Are you kidding me??

The other day I was looking in the linen closet. I didn't find it, but I found some other interesting stuff. There was a large plastic bag filled with soap ends. Like when the bar of soap gets small. I found another plastic bag with the ends of toilet paper rolls. Like when the toilet paper gets really small. So I asked Dot what are you going to do with this stuff? She replied in a sweet southern voice, "well we are going to donate them to our favorite charity here in Mpls." Oh dear, no you can't!! Dot is all about saving what she has and making do with what she has. Usually an admirable trait! She meant well. She is really so adorable. And she can laugh at herself. And does so often! Which always helps in times like these. When Dot goes to say Target, she can't often find what she needs to buy. Usually she will tell me that they don't sell that product anymore. Of course they do, but she is saving face. And I let her. Because she is so adorable!

Must you?

So my beautiful, sweet mom has become extremely CONTROLLING!!! When I am driving her somewhere, she directs my every move! Between Dot and Bill, I don't know what to do! Bill was the absolute control freak of the family. Now I guess Dot thinks its her turn. She is fierce! She knows what she wants and she won't acept anything less. Which is good in a way. She has never stood up to Bill ever in her life. She is starting to mumble under her breath about Bill. For instance she will say to me after Bill has made some pronouncement, "Oh we'll just ignore him, and do what we want!" I love it! I just wish she would have done it YEARS ago. This year for the first time in a million years, she didn't go to Rally Sunday at Mountn Olivet. Her church for 55 years. She was too tired. Very unlike her. And when its time for communion, she can't do take it because she can't remember where she sat. Soo sad. She is so small. Under 5 feet. She seems like she is shrinking. But her voice is nice and loud! Yesterday she was sick and I stayed home with her. She is a pack rat. I began to get rid of all the little things she is saving. If I do it when she is around, she will go through the garbage to see if I threw anything she wanted to keep. Oh yes. She will save ugly material from the 70's, she thinks someone will make a quilt out of it. So I had my sister Cathy come over and take the black garbage bag to her house and throw it away! Later....

Missing Dot

I am starting to miss mom, the real mom. So many things are happening to her every day. Its really hard for Dot to give up some of her duties. And most times she won't even consider it. Some days she has an imaginary boundaries. If I ask her to go somewhere, she will almost always say its too far. If we must get something she needs, well maybe tomorrow she says. She is having lots of trouble following a story that someone is telling her. I remember when this started for Bill. Now I really don't have too much conversation with Bill, way too hard. Between his deafness and dementia, I just can't do it. Evil aren't I? But what should I do? My mom, Dot is the sweetest person in the world, everyone who meets her falls in love with her. She has southern charm and grace. She has never frowned or been disagreeable ever. If she ran into some anger or trouble, she just turns on that southern charm, and all is well again. Things a a bit different now. She is often frowning. She is often mad. She will argue about anything. And she mutters. Which can be really funny. The other day Bill was grousing about something or another, and Dot says just loud enough for me to hear her, "joy killer"!!! It was really funny!

The saddist truth ever...

Today has been a really long and trying day for me. Nothing out of the ordinary. I took Dot shopping, at the Galleria, then out to lunch at The Good Earth with our sweet neighbor Cheryl. Along the way, well it didn't go so well. Dot is having a hard time with money. She thinks she hasen't a dime, and so she only spends a little bit at a time. For example, if she has to buy 15 items, she will only buy 7 and says she will go the next day. I know it doesn't make sense. Of course it makes perfect sense to Dot. Bill is worse. He only buys off off brands of everything. And only things he likes. He loves the burgers at the gas station. Yum! He brings them home by the bagful! Of course they go to waste. Back to today, then as we were leaving, Dot got lost. I could not find that woman to save my soul. I was almost in tears. Here is the sad truth. I got so mad at her. I didn't like her at all. I didn't say anything, I was just really mad. If they would listen to me and take my advise, it would go soooo much better. But nooooo. Its lots of wasted time doing stupid things. I feel so ashamed for feeling like this. I love Dot with all of my heart. It just sucks!!!!

At least there is humor...

Some days are so funny. Dot will say something wrong or inappropriate and she will know how silly she is being and she will laugh at herself! She is not at her best when cooking. We had our family over for dinner and I told her I would make the chile for her. She said very sternly, no way.. I have a certain way of doing it and I will do it myself. She is getting controlling in her old age! And she mumbles to herself about Bill. She pretty much ignores him!!! That makes me so happy. Bill is the dominent, controlling, bully of the family. She will exhaust herself to do things her way. When I try to help, Dot will stand over me telling me how to do this or that! Or when I drive her somewhere, she will tellimg what lane to be in and what space to park in! And she gives me directions. I tell her I have lived here for 53 years and I know how to get here and there! Well,,,, what will this week bring?

Oh what a day!

Well there comes a time when all common sense is finally and forever gone. That time has come I think for Dot and Bill. It has been a tough couple of days for them and me. Several days ago Dot bought a dishwasher. It has to be a special portable dishwasher as the opening is smaller than the built ins. So here we go. They got the handyman to come over and remove the old one. There was one copper tube that was in the lower cupboard where the pots and pans go. The handyman did his thing and left. Bill had to mess around and there was hot water flowing full blast for 2 hours until I got home.. Every single towel and rag was put to use to no avail. I got there and asked did you call the handyman back? No of course not! So I called him and he was there in a matter of minutes. Fixed the problem and got my dad to admit his mistake. A rarity for sure. He even cleaned up all of the water that was everywhere and the insulation in the basement was wet and he removed that as well. He is a great handyman. Its not easy being old thats for sure. Dot is exhausted and is beside herself with all the mess around her. We got the new dishwasher installed today by the same handyman. Yipppeeeee! Then today my son-in-law painted the garage. Bill did not want to buy a new brush for him. The only one he had was hard as a rock. I told him he had to buy a new one and he had a temper tantrum and said I was trying to run the show and he wouldn't take that. I just told him then he would have to paint it himself. He changed his mind. We still have bees, yellow jackets in the basement. Bill will not pay for and exterminator. Oh well, I am the bee whisperer. Later

Why does everythig take soooo long?

Well I'm back The knee surgery went well. Sometimes with Dot and Bill, everything takes sooo long. Like we are in slow motion. Did it happen suddenly? Or was it real gradual and I just am noticing it now? I think the later. I was in the kitchen last night and I was making my dinner, a english muffin. I think I was in there about 30 minutes. Why? Well Dot was wanting me to eat some really old vegetables and then Bill comes in and asks what I am doing and then can't hear me so I talk really loud. I can't seem to get out of the kitchen. There is so much miscommunication between us. Sometimes I just can't repeat myself again. So then they have no idea what I said. And I don't even care. Is that so selfish of me? I think so. But sometimes I just can't help myself. Bill openly dislikes me. Sometimes I wonder if he is my real dad or what? Why is he such a bastard? Just to me usually. He has always been like this. I am an irritant to him. I am too loud, to much... He said to me the other day,

Dot

It is so very sad for me to see my mom fading. She is having a hard time getting around. She can't remember places that should be easy to go to. Restaurants, friends homes, how to cook. She won't go grocery shopping anymore. She lets my dad go to Cub and buy the brand that is below the Cub brand. And no one wants to eat that stuff. Dot is so smart and vital. She has done something she has never done before, and that is she is becoming very involved in politics. She writes the President, her congressmen and senators. She also watches Glen Beck everyday and she has volumes of shorthand in notebooks. How odd. She remembers shorthand. She was a legal secretary after all. I am having knee surgery Wednesday so I won't write for al few days. God bless you

Bill thinks I am taking over...

Bill my dad thinks I am taking over everything. I'm not really. I am however making strong suggestions. Which Dot and Bill will not entertain. I mean I am trying to give them sound advice. Like the yellow jacket bees in my room. Yes in my bedroom. Tons of them. I try to kill as many as I can. But they keep coming. In my bedroom. So we tried some do it yourself bee killer. It didn't work. Next step, a bug pro. But no Bill won't hear of it. He says the bee season will end soon. Like when? He is always so crabby and mean. Really a jerk. If I didn't know better I would think he is not my bio dad. He never really liked me. I am a HUGE disappointment to him. Oh well I try. So wish my good luck with the bees....

Ok wheres my bra and how did I get all of these girdles in my drawer?

When a person has dementia, they sometimes lose their boundries with people. As is the case with Dot. She loves to come into my room when I am gone and look around. Once she took a print off the wall and put it in her family room. Lots of time she moves things around. Keeps me on my toes! Or she will lose something of mine and it might show up days later. As it often times with my bra. Yes my bra. Where does it go? Why does Dot take it? We will never know. And how did I end up with her girdles? Black, white and cream. Yes Dot used to wear girdles every day. My dad comes into my room often because he thinks I am taking his sleeping pills. I am not but he feels he must go through my medicine drawer. Or he thinks I have left a light on. Drives him crazy. If I get something from the thrift store, and Dot sees it and likes it, its officially hers. Oh well I guess I didn't need that after all. So there you go....later
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The day it happened.

I remember the day my mom Dot changed. One day she was fine and the next day she was going. It was that dramatic. I took her to the dr and he thinks she had a T.I. Sort of a mini stroke. She has gone down hill really fast since then. Things started happening. Getting lost, losing things. I remember in the beginning, Dot would lose something and spent the next 2 hours going through every inch of the house. Not finding it she would say my dad, Bill threw it away. She gets really angry now. Once she shook her FISTS at my sister. It was so not like her, we all laughed, even Dot. She does things that are not like her every day. Sometimes she understands its not normal and lots of times she doesn't. My dad Bill would yell at her. He has his own dementia to deal with. He really can't understand that Dot is not herself. He still yells at her. Jerk. My dad does not drive anymore. I had his license taken away several years ago. He was pissed. Now he demands that someone take him out everyday at his convenience! Sure. How do we go on?

Good bad and ugly...

My mom is and was the brains of the family. She had the energy of a high school girl. She is still hyperactive. My dad never helped her much. Dot does the bills now. That is becoming a problem. Last month she recieved the electric bill, it was 3 times the normal amount. So she went on a mission to turn off everything electric. No one can turn a light on without her telling us to turn the light out. In reality she didn't pay the electric bill for 3 months. So there you go. I wonder what other bills she is forgetting to pay? She does not want any help doing the bills. She knows what she is doing she says. Several years ago, maybe 4 years ago, I was coming to dinnner, I asked Dot if she needed me to bring anything over for dinner. No she said, dad bought fried chicken and jo-jo fries. Yum! I got there and there was one jojo fry and one chicken tender for each of us! I guess we are on a diet. Sometimes its as if she is the great depression. She will save every bit of leftover food. Two tablespoons of canned spinich. Oh dear what shall I do? I try to through things away, but she will get them out of the garbage. It won't get any better will it?

Background

Here is a little background on my mom Dot. Born in Bowling Green, Missouri to Mattie and Howard Darnell in 1926. They were farmers. Howard came to Missouri on the orphan train. He was born in New York. My mom road a horse to school. She says she was always afraid of the amimals. She has 4 younger siblings. Only Dot and Joyce are alive. She grew up and decided to go to school. Secretary school. In a big city, Kansas City. She was not scared anymore. She graduated and made her way to Minnapolis, Minnesota. She met my father Bill. They married and had me and my sister Cathy. She was a pioneer. She worked full time when I turned one year old. She always volunteered somewhere with my sister and I. She lived by example. She joined Mount Olivet Lutheran Church in Minneapolis and still goes. She did all of the housework, shopping, care of us kids, she did it all. How I don't know. After we grew up Dot and Bill loved to travel. They went to Europe several times, California several times and Bowling Green once a year. Dot is 85 and Bill is 89 years old. And they are failing. Here is where it gets interesting. I'll talk about it later..